I think the term is I've come to a crossroads in my life. I feel like everything has been changing beyond my control and I hate it when that happens. I hope I can find some soltice in blogging (Y)
My names Claire. I'm a Christian. Well I like to think I am. And I have decided that I'm no longer close enough to anyone to talk to about my feelings, so spilling my heart out to strangers means in some sort of ironic twisted way they will become less of an omen for me to carry around.. A problem shared right?
I've just started a new college. Which is brilliant. There are awesome people there who I think I'll be friends with for life. Some of them anyway. And the reason I went there was to get away from my twisted little village that is full of white race, stereotypical British citizens. Nobody is different. The supposed 'yobs' of the town travel around on their scooters 'abusing' the backpacking tourists that actually visit the shops here. There's a doll shop that I swear in the 10 or so years i've lived here I've never seen anyone go in or out from. Theres the same manky doll on the display sitting in about 2 inches of dust and a tiny hospital sign saying 'doll hospital'. Its pathetic. I'm so bored now. I want to do something with my life.
Anyway I decided the one thing I wanted to answer in this blog was.. why am I sat here typing this? And the answer is. Recently I have lost someone I can say I was in love with. I think I've had many shadows of the real thing before. But this was it. It was brilliant. But I don't think someone has ever hurt me that much in my life. Which considering my age is probably not much of an acheivement but still, its actually changed my perspective on life. I don't claim to have any special ideas on life or balance in the universe or any of that crap.. but if I can offer one window in my head to anyone who cares to listen and they understand me, then maybe in a one in a six tri billion chance one day he'd find this and understand everything that I couldn't seem to get through to him now. And I find it incredibly hard to put how I'm feeling into words. I feel like there are too many emotions to describe. And I don't have the words for them. I hear in other languages they have words for emotions that we don't define in English. I'd like to learn some. But for now, I am feeling nostimistic. Nostalgic + optimistic. I wish I could be little. So I wouldn't have so many complicated thoughts. But I'm also thinking that I've hit rock bottom. So things can only get better. And that loads of people must go through this. I'm just a drop in the ocean :) I'm nothing special. Yet.
I'm a complete newbie when it comes to blogging by the way. If anyone can explain? I just know its like an online diary.
Peace out world. This has been oddly therapeutic. If you've taken the time to read this, thank you.
